Friday Nights

Well I’ve posted a couple things that I’ve written in the past but I suppose I should post what I’m dealing with today and why I decided to do this in the first place.

I’ve been trying to get off my medication for the last year or so. I had tapered down to about a third of what I had been at and was doing really well. But over the last couple months my anxiety has been increasing again and the lower dose hasn’t been helping like it was. So last week I doubled my dose. So I’m still taking less than I originally was, but it’s more than I had been down to.

It’s frustrating because I really though I was doing better. I was. But anxiety and mental illness aren’t like a basic sinus infection. Just because it seems to be going away, doesn’t mean it is.

It’s further complicated by the fact that I’m back to having a lot of my physiological symptoms. So guess who’s been popping antacids and stomach meds for the past couple days. Yep, me. And still I fight being nauseous. And guess what else! There’s not much I can do until this bout passes on its own.

See, I’ve recently been dealing with inner ear issues resulting from allergies, a mild cold, and the fact that my inner ears are just screwed up from when I was a kid. Unfortunately, that means it’s been causing intermittent dizziness which is fantastic when most of my classes are on the other side of campus. And the whole fact that we’re in the middle of finals. But it’s also been causing an increase in hypersensitive hearing. Want to set off a panic attack? Put me in an old building where the walls seem to vibrate from the pipes and machines in it. It’s terrible and there’s nothing I can do about it until I get home and can see a doctor. Yay me. So that also explains the worsening anxiety: my anxiety aided my inner ear issue which makes me hear things I normally couldn’t and then makes my anxiety worse. Gotta love it. Not really.

The best part is that I have no earthly idea if I have been having a reaction to something (lots of allergies), I’ve been fighting off a bug, or if it’s just my anxiety making me feel sick. At the end of the day they all feel more or less the same and they all make the anxiety worse. I’ll probably end up increasing my meds back to their full dose until I go home. Which sucks because I’ll basically end up exactly where I was with my meds a year ago.

But I guess that’s mental health and mental illness. It’s not as simply as a bacterial infection. Infections can be killed and the body does the rest. You can’t kill anxiety. the body does its best, but anxiety has the brain fighting itself. And then I get the added benefit of being a neuroscience major on the pre-med track at a school notorious for its difficult program. So I guess stress has been playing a part too.

Did I mention I’m in the middle of finals? And that I barely found a ride to the airport for when I go home? And I found out my dad’s cousin died? And I haven’t signed my lease for next semester because the office is having problems? And I haven’t secured a summer job yet?  Yeah, I suppose stress is making it worse too.

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