Do you have any idea what it’s like- trying not break down? Attempting to be strong enough because you don’t-you can’t let anyone see your weakness?
There’s not a damn thing you can do to change the circumstances, so why bother? Why break down? What will it help? What will lying here crying for ten minutes do? Nothing. Not a damn thing. It’s easier to pretend not to be hurt. It’s easier to push down all the feelings. After all, who’s thinking about how you feel? The answer: no one. No one who should be anyway. Sure a best friend may be thinking about it, but she can’t do anything. She’s a thousand miles away and can’t do a damn thing to help. No, the people who should be most in tune: mom and dad. They don’t think about how you feel. How you’re handling all of this. They just assume you’re ok. And if you aren’t, well what’s the point of calling and saying that anyway? Nothing they can do about it. Nothing any of us can do to change anything. People want to know why life sucks, it’s because of this. Life is pain and no one is there for you. Even those who try to be, they can’t always be. Time and space and thousands of miles separate those you love from the person who needs them: you.
And it sucks. Because you know mom and dad and everyone else cares. But they’re too busy with their own mourning to realize that the person not there with them is mourning just as much but can’t do it with them. It hurts like hell and you just have to let it hurt. But the worst part is, because you don’t get to go grieve with everyone else, you’re stuck, alone, again, and have to act like everything is ok. Because if you don’t, you have to talk about it. People want to know. Then they’ll say they’re sorry. That you should let them know if you need anything. And the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t matter. They can’t help. So what good is telling them? But then they freak because you’re acting differently. It sucks. All of it sucks.