Sunday Struggles

I’m home, have been for a few weeks now. When I started this blog, I mentioned having some bad dizziness. It seemed to have subsided a bit, but it’s back and as bad as ever. Wednesday was bad, but I could still function. Thursday and Friday it was so bad I couldn’t go to work. We got an appointment and I saw an ENT on Friday who conducted a hearing test (which I didn’t need, but whatever), was told it was totally normal (which I could have told you), and we’re working on getting an MRI scheduled. Not that any of that does anything for me in the mean time. I can barely get out of bed without feeling like I’m going to vomit, pass out, and/or fall. It royally sucks.

As if just being incredibly dizzy for no known reason (for about 8/10 weeks now) isn’t bad enough, my anxiety has been heightened the past couple of days since I couldn’t go to work. I’m terrified of losing my job (because I can’t physically sit up to do it), but what can I do (again, when I physically can’t get out of bed to do it)? This is the longest I’ve been able to look at a screen since Wednesday, maybe Tuesday, and I’m already dizzy a paragraph and a half in.

I’m also struggling because I’m just feeling really alone. Everyone else has their own lives and I’m…here. Pretty much in bed. There’s a little bit too much noise going on downstairs for me to lay on the living room couch and like I said, screens make me a bit dizzy. One friend dropped by last night for ten minutes after I called and told her I couldn’t go to the color run this weekend because, you know, that involves standing up, something I’m very limited on right now. The rest know about it, I posted on facebook last week and on several other social media places, or I’ve just mentioned it in passing in conversations. I’ve had to cancel several plans, but it’s hard. I want to hang out with people, at least talk to them, and here I am. By myself. In my room. Cuddling my teddy bear like I’m a five year old. This all really sucks. And of course, as all of you fellow fighters know, not knowing exactly what is wrong makes the anxiety worse.

I guess this Sunday I’m just really struggling. But, for now, that’s all I’m going to say because I need to lay down before I do pass out. Hope y’all have a good week.

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