Well I made it through the weekend. I spent the majoring of my shower this evening contemplating a lot of things in my life, coming to terms with things that I had not. I realized that, especially this weekend, my thoughts have been mostly inward. I’ve been focused on my pain, on my weaknesses, on my hurt. But every time we turn around there’s another earthquake, flooding, storms, shootings, accidents, and general horrors. And that pains me just as much.
It sometimes makes my anxiety worse, thinking about how screwed up this world is sometimes. I get angry and upset and look up to Heaven and ask God why he allows all of these things to happen. Why did He let that little boy drown? Why did he allow those people to be shot? How much more do we have to struggle? When is He going to intervene? Is there any chance for this city?
My answer came in the form of a song. Normally when I’m feeling sad and hurt like I was these past few days, I turn to music that matches my mood. Thankfully, youtube also suggests songs that I’ve already listened to, even if they are no where near similar to what I’m currently listening to. I accidently hit “God of This City” by Bluetree and “How Great is our God (World Edition)” by Chris Tomlin.
What a reminder it is that God is still God. This isn’t the end for this city. Yes, it’s dark and deadly and scary right now. But God is still the God of this city. There is more in store. God isn’t finished with this city yet. For me, Chicago, Detroit, cities like these are the cities I mourn for almost daily. Chicago just saw one of its deadliest months in years. Innocent and guilty people alike lost their lives. And for what? For no reason at all in many cases. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught in crossfire. Or Detroit. It was once a beautiful city, thriving, growing. Now it’s home to a whole lot of hurt. But to use the lyrics of “God of This City”, “Greater things are yet to come/ Greater things are still to be done in this city/Greater things have yet to come/ Greater things are still to be done here”. God is still in control. He is still sovereign over us. No matter what, He is sovereign.
I suppose that’s why the world edition of “How Great is our God” caught my attention too. It’s not just here in the states that God is still God of this city. Bluetree is a ministry out of Belfast, Northern Ireland. The world edition of “How Great is our God” is a reminder that God isn’t just God here. He is God everywhere, regardless of race, ethnicity, language, culture, it doesn’t matter. God is still God.
There is so much hurt here. But there is so much hope.
Someone asked me if I’d ever considered suicide. I can’t lie, like many people with severe anxiety and depression, the thought crossed my mind. But I never lost hope. I always knew and always know that God is in control and as long as He is in control, I have hope. He saved me from a life condemned to sin and Hell. Surely He can help me out of a bad situation, a rough couple days, difficult years.
I may not know much, and everyday I learn that I know less than I thought. But I do know this: God is in control. No matter how crappy your day is or how bad life seems right now, God is on the throne. I may not understand why He allows things to happen. I do know that He knows far better than I and sometimes, I’m just not meant to know.
So, as anxious and frustrated as I may feel sometimes with everything that happens around me, I won’t lose hope. I won’t give up. I won’t stop fighting. Because my God is on the throne and He has never stopped fighting for me and He will never stop fighting for His children.