So, this isn’t actually a summary about Saturday. I haven’t done a whole lot today except watch a movie and chillax. And I did just enough laundry to get me through the end of the semester to where I can get home and do it for free. 🙂 Oh, and I saw my school do pretty well in sports. But this is going to be more of a summary about the last month or so… since I last blogged about it.
I woke up this morning and did not want to get up. So I didn’t. I laid in bed and listened to the rain and read for about two hours. I figured, since it’s Saturday, it was rainy and cool, and my ear hurts, I get to chillax today. But everyone has to get up and shower eventually. So I texted my friend to see if she wanted to go to the game since she had mentioned it earlier in the week. I showered and she hadn’t texted back so I put on sweats and got all comfy in bed. Then she texted and was super excited to go and all I wanted to do was text her and go: sorry, I’m more comfortable where I’m at, maybe next game. But I didn’t. We walked to the arena in the rain and stood outside for half an hour just to watch the second half (it was packed with students so they had to rearrange tickets). I tried to get her to leave but she really wanted to see the game and I just didn’t. I wanted to go curl back up in bed. We eventually got in and honestly had fun, we won and all that. It got a little too loud and I got a little too dizzy, but I’m glad I made myself go.
I guess that’s what I’ve been doing a lot this semester. I’ve been making myself do things that I didn’t want to. I made myself go to the Christmas celebration on campus last week, I made myself go to therapy (which has helped a bit, I’ll admit), I made myself take a mindfulness class( which helps some days, not so much others), and generally just do things even when I don’t want to/don’t think I can.
But it’s also been rough. With the dizziness and always feeling like crap, I just haven’t been doing well in classes. It’s been bad and my grades are subpar. I had to drop one of my classes it was so bad. But I’m still here and my finals are next week, so God-willing, I’ll pass all of them.
I’ve really been walking a fine line though of pushing myself out of my comfort zone but also not straying so far that I push the anxiety too high. The therapy has been helping me understand some of the root causes of some of my anxiety. While this hasn’t helped much per say, it has helped take away some of the frustration of just feeling all of it but not understanding why. In understanding the anxiety, I’ve also begun to understand why some of it turns into depression at times.
So as much as this semester has really, really sucked, I’ve also learned a lot. My roommate has been a problem, but I have also figured out that being an adult means looking beyond some people’s issues and focusing on your own. I think I’ve lost her as a friend, but at least she lets me hang out with her dog some days. Actually, she had me babysit her dog over Thanksgiving and didn’t pay me for it, barely said thank you. And actually, she literally just took her dog away from me and my room. He came in my room, jumped in my lap, and was having me pet him and she was jealous and called him to her. Poor buddy came back to my lap and she called him and locked him in her room with her. Ah well, she may end up moving after Christmas so oh well. It sucks losing a friend, but maybe we were never really friends to begin with. I don’t know. We’ll see how that goes.
Let’s see, what else. The anxiety has been interesting but a little better with the therapy. The dizziness has not been so good, but nothing I can do about it until I can get a doctor to figure out what it is. No one in my family died in the month of November for the first time in like 5 or 6 years. That about does it. I’m tired and my ear hurts so I’ll write more soon, but I think it’s time for me to go to bed. Good night and stay sane y’all. Happy anxiety!