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Monday Madness

Happy Monday everyone. I’m back at school and doing well. I actually had an epiphany the other day. When I finally got back down here on Saturday, it was the first time I left home and didn’t cry. I was so excited to come back and be away from my family. It’s so incredibly freeing not to be under the constant supervision of other people. To not have to worry about anyone else.

So for a quick recap of my summer: I worked two jobs, took two English classes, and my family moved. Then my grandmother moved in with us. And we were down a car. Needless to say, it was incredibly stressful. But, they’re all settled and I’m back at school and excited for this semester.

My anxiety has actually been alright, other than minor freak-outs over the fact that I have to decide what exactly to do with my life. But ah well. I get a new roommate tomorrow which makes me a little nervous. But again, ah well.

My migraines have been better. It appears that the dizziness is in fact migraines. It comes more in attacks now, rather than constant. But I’m also more likely to have a migraine with pain now. However, I’m also getting better at recognizing signs so that it doesn’t get too bad. And my medications are currently working pretty well.

I’ve also started a group focused on Health and Fitness. There’s like 5 or 6 of us working together to get healthy.

And I’m supposed to be in a wedding in May. But oh my word. Finding the right color dress is becoming mildly impossible. I thought I had found it, because it matched what was on my phone, but the bride said it wasn’t. It’s driving me nuts. If I ever get married, all the bridesmaids are wearing the same color and it’s going to be easy to find.

Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update. Happy health!

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Torn Up Tuesday

Bitch. Rude. Obnoxious. Annoying. Self-obsessed. Bossy. Jerk. Not pretty. Jealous. Irritating. Picky. Snobby. Know-it-all. Weird.

Any of these terms sound familiar? They’re all things people have said about me either to my face or behind my back that I’ve heard. As if I don’t know. As if I’m oblivious to the fact that I come across as rude or annoying or picky. I know. Believe me, I know. But do you?

While you call me that, whether to my face, to my “friends”, or to someone else, and I know about it, do you know why I’m like that? Do you know that I’m so terrified of screwing something up that I have to ask fifty questions about something you might see as simple? Do you know that I nearly threw up on my way here because I was so scared? Even though, logically, I know there is zero reason for me to be afraid. Do you know that I studied this for hours to make sure I understood it completely? Do you know that I have more experience with this than your instructor? Do you know that I had to brush you off because there are fifty other people waiting for me? Do you know that five other people have asked me that exact same question even though I spelled it out word for word in the presentation? Do you know that I spent hours and hours making sure that this was as flawless as I could get it? Do you know that my brothers said the same thing? Do you know that I’ve already thought through your critique twice? Do you know that I’ve been up three hours longer than you and went to sleep long after you did as well? Do you know that I’ve had to be an adult for too long and I have neither the time nor the energy to be a stupid teenager with you? Do you know I’ve had more “friends” betray me than you’ve Do you know?

No, I really don’t think you do. But still, you call me a bitch. You think I’m lazy and snobby and a picky know-it-all. You think I’m creepy or weird for maintaining eye contact when you’re speaking. You think I don’t know how you perceive me. But I do. It doesn’t mean I need to hear it.

I’m not trying to be a bitch, I just physically do not have time to re-explain to you what I just re-explained twice. I’m not picky, I just have allergies and sensitivities to a lot of things. I’m not staring, I’m trying to pay attention because I think you have valuable information. I promise, I don’t mean to be bossy or a know-it-all or anything like that. I’ve just spent a ton of time learning things and if I know you’re doing something incorrectly, I want to help you do it right. I don’t mean to be rude, I just want to help. I also know I’m not the prettiest or the thinnest or the nicest. I don’t do much to my hair and I generally don’t wear make up. I don’t want to spend the time to do it all up and, frankly, I don’t see the point.

But your words, you descriptions of me, do you know what those do to me? Do you know that I’ll eventually go home and cry? Or that I’ll allow tears to fall silently while I’m driving home? Do you know how much it hurts to know that I’m trying my best and it still isn’t good enough? Do you know? Do you know that I considered you my friend until I heard all of that? Do you know how lonely I feel? Do you know?

You say it’s no wonder that I’m still single. Do you know how much that hurts? I spend my far more time than I would like reminding myself that I don’t need a guy, a boyfriend, a husband to be complete. That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to hold me at the end of the day. That doesn’t mean I don’t long to have a partner in life. But between my values and your comments, that’s not going to happen easily.

So do me a favor. Actually, no. Do yourself a favor. Hold you comments, Don’t tell everyone what you think of someone else. We all think rude comments. Don’t let them make it passed your lops. Some thoughts should just be kept to yourself. Because while you may just think I’m weird and bossy, I’m fighting as hard as I can. I’m doing my best. Those comments just make it that much harder; they tear us up that much more. If you’re going to leave eventually anyway, don’t make it hurt more. Just be kind to lonely souls.

Tuesday Tries

OK, let me preface this by saying my anxiety is high today because my hormones are a little wacked today which in turn makes me more frustrated. But rant time anyway.

I have two friends in my 8am genetics class. All three of us are retaking it because we needed about two points higher to get the grade we need to have it count towards out degree (need a 70, we all had between a 65 and a 69). One of my friends, let’s call her Sierra. She’s a bio-chem major who has been working her butt off since freshman year. She’s super smart and has a crazy schedule this semester. She and I were texting last night and she was over-tired from studying and tests and was asking for clarification on a couple things. I had to tell her to finish the problem she was on and go to sleep. She did and she ended up missing our 8am this morning, I knew she would, so I had made sure I got extra good notes today for her so that she would have them when we study this weekend.

My second friend, we’ll call her Vivian. We haven’t been friends for quite as long as Sierra and I have, but still, I’ve known her a while. We’re in a couple classes together and hang out pretty regularly. I’ve helped fix her toilet (we completely redid the tank), fixed her drier, changed a weird light on her car, and moved a crap ton of furniture for her (I just have a slightly bigger car and bungee-cords. She texted me at 10:30 last night to say she only got four questions correct on her practice exam for a test she had this afternoon. I asked what happened. Did she not read the questions? Or was it the material? She said both. So ok, let’s give that it was late. The questions can be read better when she’s more awake. I offered to show her how to read the questions and she refused. So then I asked if the problem was that she didn’t understand the material or if she just didn’t know the material. If she didn’t understand the material, I could help there. I passed that class. If she didn’t know the material because she hadn’t put the work in, well, there was nothing I could do to help. Unfortunately, it was the latter. She hadn’t put in the time. She walks in to our 8am this morning and pulls out material for a major project due the following period. She had some of it done, but not all of it. She then tells me that she has the test she started studying for last night and another one for the accompanying lab. She complained about it and then made a comment about how often our professor was looking at the two of us while she was trying to do her report for this other class.

I guess I kind of have to put into perspective the room we were in. It seats around 120 students, maybe 160. There’s like 20 of us. Maybe. And Vivian and I and Sierra usually sit third row, which is pretty much the furthest forward. And I was paying attention because I was taking notes for Sierra.

Vivian’s comments were driving me insane. She brought any extra attention on herself. And when class was over, she just kept complaining about her exams and all of that. I couldn’t deal with what all she was saying.

Then I had one of my good friends from back home text me about how hungry she was and how she woke up too late for breakfast and didn’t want to go to class (she only has class twice a week), etc. That kind of tipped me over the edge.

You know, I don’t care how good of a friend you are to me, if you can’t bother to put any work in to class or try to help yourself at all, I don’t feel bad for you and don’t want to listen to you complain. You aren’t helpless. You made the choice not to study or prepare before now. We’ve all got out struggles. Some of us just bother to put effort in anyway. As my mom says, “Excuses are like butts, everyone has one and they all stink”. And it’s true. And further more, the less you clean up after yourself and your messes, the worse you stink. I just can’t be bothered to care about problems that people have brought on themselves. You didn’t wake up in time to have breakfast? Me neither.  I made a peanut butter sandwich and ate it on my way to class. Didn’t have time to study? Yes, you did. You spent all day texting me about the show you were watching instead of studying (for the past few days that’s been happening). Don’t understand material the day of the test? You should have asked for help when it was presented or in any of the previous weeks; asked a teacher, a tutor, me. I don’t feel bad for you because you couldn’t bother to put effort in.

Why am I frustrated with Vivian but not Sierra? Sierra put the effort in. She’s trying. Vivian is just being lazy.

I get so frustrated when you complain about your situation that you put yourself in. You didn’t get up early enough to have a full breakfast? Grab a granola bar, or a sandwich, or any of the above and eat on the go like the rest of us who woke up late. Don’t like that your dishes are all dirty? Get off your butt and wash them. I don’t feel bad that you put yourself in this situation.

We all have our own problems. And some of us are dealing with chronic migraines, debilitating anxiety, and, just to top it all off, a cold, and still pull on our big girl panties and get crap done. It’s not always pretty, but it’s pretty damn necessary. This isn’t high school anymore. You’re juniors in college. Get your crap together. Seriously.

Single Saturday

That awkward moment when this post was supposed to be posted like 2 months ago. Ah well. Still a decent thought… I think. 🙂

 

This post is going to explain why being single might just be the best thing, even over Valentine’s Day.

For a lot young adults, Valentine’s Day is not-so-affectionately known as “Singles’ Awareness Day”. To which most of us reply with “We’re already fully aware of just how single we are”.  Some people sit and cry about being single. Others act out in desperation to not be single. The rest of us settle into the singleness, accepting it, maybe even embracing it.

Or maybe we use phrases like “I’m waiting for Superman” or “One day my prince will come”. But let’s be real. No one is a fairytale prince. No one is Superman. If we’re looking for perfection, we’re all screwed. It doesn’t exist. So while your friend is out with her boyfriend, or your brother is making out loudly with his girlfriend, or you’re just sick of getting relationship, engagement, and wedding announcements on your social media feed, be glad that you don’t have to deal with someone else’s problems today. Let’s be honest, if you’re still reading this blog, it’s because something resonates with you. And if something is resonating with you, you’ve probably got as many problems as I do. And let’s be real, who wants to try and deal with someone else’s problems when we can barely deal with our own?

Go embrace being single. Eat a pint of ice cream or some chocolate you got on sale. You’ll be just fine whether you’re spending the evening alone, with friends, with a significant other, or even a spouse. It’ll all work out.

Full Friday

Happy Friday. The anxiety is definitely a little worse the last two days. Yesterday was my twenty-first birthday and to be honest, it was one of the first times I have not been excited for my birthday. I didn’t really feel like doing anything. I kind of just wanted to go to bed. I woke up to two people wishing me happy birthday, then nothing. I heard from about 15 people all day, including people that I saw in person, and I know that’s a lot compared to a lot of people, but it’s hard when everyone who has had a birthday lately gets forty Happy Birthday wishes on Facebook, or whose friends throw a party for them, or who get to be with people who genuinely care about them. I had one friend straight up decide not to come out with us cuz he wanted to go drink with other people, two who kind of ignored me the whole night, and two that actually wanted to be there. I mean I’m thankful for those two, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s disappointing because I love birthdays. I love birthdays. I always post stuff on other peoples’ Facebook pages on their birthdays or call or text or something. And most of them  couldn’t bother to even text it to me. It just hurts a little when I do so much  for so many people and they can’t bother to even tell me Happy Birthday. Again, it’s not like it’s a huge deal, and my birthday is over so I’m ok, but it’s hard when your friends don’t care even when you put time into celebrating their things. It sucks.

But I also found out for sure, though she hasn’t told me, that my roommate is looking for a job elsewhere after she graduates next week. And she wonders why I don’t trust her. Ah well.

It’s just that thing after thing happens and no one here seems to care. At least I’ve got my family back home. I’m excited to go home in a few days and not deal with any of these peoples’ crap.

I think what I need is a nap and a hug. Actually, I think that’s what most people need. But anyway. I’m going to go find food and then sleep cuz I slept about three hours last night. And no, I didn’t drink on my twenty-first birthday cuz I had a final this morning and needed to study (I still failed the final and the class, but I put the time and effort in not to).

Saturday Summary

So, this isn’t actually a summary about Saturday. I haven’t done a whole lot today except watch a movie and chillax. And I did just enough laundry to get me through the end of the semester to where I can get home and do it for free. 🙂 Oh, and I saw my school do pretty well in sports. But this is going to be more of a summary about the last month or so… since I last blogged about it.

I woke up this morning and did not want to get up. So I didn’t. I laid in bed and listened to the rain and read for about two hours. I figured, since it’s Saturday, it was rainy and cool, and my ear hurts, I get to chillax today. But everyone has to get up and shower eventually. So I texted my friend to see if she wanted to go to the game since she had mentioned it earlier in the week. I showered and she hadn’t texted back so I put on sweats and got all comfy in bed. Then she texted and was super excited to go and all I wanted to do was text her and go: sorry, I’m more comfortable where I’m at, maybe next game. But I didn’t. We walked to the arena in the rain and stood outside for half an hour just to watch the second half (it was packed with students so they had to rearrange tickets). I tried to get her to leave but she really wanted to see the game and I just didn’t. I wanted to go curl back up in bed. We eventually got in and honestly had fun, we won and all that. It got a little too loud and I got a little too dizzy, but I’m glad I made myself go.

I guess that’s what I’ve been doing a lot this semester. I’ve been making myself do things that I didn’t want to. I made myself go to the Christmas celebration on campus last week, I made myself go to therapy (which has helped a bit, I’ll admit), I made myself take a mindfulness class( which helps some days, not so much others), and generally just do things even when I don’t want to/don’t think I can.

But it’s also been rough. With the dizziness and always feeling like crap, I just haven’t been doing well in classes. It’s been bad and my grades are subpar. I had to drop one of my classes it was so bad. But I’m still here and my finals are next week, so God-willing, I’ll pass all of them.

I’ve really been walking a fine line though of pushing myself out of my comfort zone but also not straying so far that I push the anxiety too high. The therapy has been helping me understand some of the root causes of some of my anxiety. While this hasn’t helped much per say, it has helped take away some of the frustration of just feeling all of it but not understanding why. In understanding the anxiety, I’ve also begun to understand why some of it turns into depression at times.

So as much as this semester has really, really sucked, I’ve also learned a lot. My roommate has been a problem, but I have also figured out that being an adult means looking beyond some people’s issues and focusing on your own. I think I’ve lost her as a friend, but at least she lets me hang out with her dog some days. Actually, she had me babysit her dog over Thanksgiving and didn’t pay me for it, barely said thank you. And actually, she literally just took her dog away from me and my room. He came in my room, jumped in my lap, and was having me pet him and she was jealous and called him to her. Poor buddy came back to my lap and she called him and locked him in her room with her. Ah well, she may end up moving after Christmas so oh well. It sucks losing a friend, but maybe we were never really friends to begin with. I don’t know. We’ll see how that goes.

Let’s see, what else. The anxiety has been interesting but a little better with the therapy. The dizziness has not been so good, but nothing I can do about it until I can get a doctor to figure out what it is. No one in my family died in the month of November for the first time in like 5 or 6 years. That about does it. I’m tired and my ear hurts so I’ll write more soon, but I think it’s time for me to go to bed. Good night and stay sane y’all. Happy anxiety!

Tuesday Muse-day

You know, lately I’ve been dealing with the feeling of being second best. The second choice for everyone and I’m not okay with that. I deserve to not be second, third, or last choice for everyone. But I think I’ve been looking at it wrong. I can’t change people. However, I can be my own first choice. I have to be. My mental health is more important than being worried about what other people think/do.

I have to be enough for me. I will never be enough for anyone else and I’m starting to accept that. But no one will ever be enough for me either, I know that and I have known that. But I think if I can be confident enough that I am my own first choice, I can be less concerned with everyone else. I can be okay being on my own. I mean, I know everyone needs human contact, otherwise prison isolation is useless, but I can be okay on my own. I’ve come to terms with being perpetually single, but being my own best friend is new.

My support system, my best friend, heck, most of my friends are back home, a thousand miles away. Most of my friends down here have proven to me that they cannot be trusted to be my friend if I need them. So for me, even though I have my people back home, I have to be my own best friend for now. And I think that helps. I think it will help me to be my own first choice. I don’t need to be anyone else’s. I just hope they understand when they aren’t my first choice either.